Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Kissing Goodbye was never so exhilarating….

Walk in the Clouds flash warning (this is a ticker running thru the screen, I am not spending time in getting that ticker thingie on, but that's how i wanted it to appear:)) : One of the posts contesting against my own set records for the LONGEST CLOUD PATCHES…if you have walked upon the clouds by an error click, here's a golden chance to hit escape!

Does fear show up when you would have ideally loved to do it? Does fear show up each time you want and attempt it? Is it a set boundary? Who set it up? Does it film your thoughts each time you want to release and dissolve that boundary set in your head…Well, these were the questions thrown at me sometime back and cheerz to that moment, I decided it was high time and more than time up to confront one of my biggest fears.

Felt often, that in some cases, it’s more easily said than done and it occurred to me each time I wanted to break open from this fear, which I realized I was actually holding on closely to. Each time someone convinced me to try it out and I thought I should and get off this mind block of fear, there was something drastic that pulled me back and I trusted this freaky instinct or rather it monopolized my thought process. Don’t know how it took birth…there was no specific instance though…

Not a fear of being judged nor a fear of saying the truth…Its something I had tracked long back, accepted it, but never managed to confront head on...Its about the fear of heights, referred to as 'Acrophobia' in real terms. Played a rather nasty role in my life…nasty in the sense I never could enjoy heights even though I loved the beauty in it, it was this fear that curbed me most of all. Felt horribly sick and uneasy being in shackles of this feeling but it requires lots more than that to overcome it .. When I visited lovely locales on heights and refused to look down the edge to enjoy that beautiful feeling of standing there experiencing the carefree breeze hitting and admiring that view…enjoy that exhuberent feeling of being on top of the world! Cliffs scare me to death…while others enjoyed it, much as I would have also loved to! For the love of doing it, I would hold on to someone for my dear life and stand there for a few minutes and give up with a dizzied feeling left behind…motivated by Fear!

Looking down from heights while in aircrafts, glass cube elevators or looking down from the 17th floor of a room that is secured with glass panes from top to bottom - I enjoy but when it comes to looking down from top of heights where it is open ended, boundary less with nothing to secure you, that's where it creeps in…for e.g. Those various peaks at Mahabaleshwar referred to as 'Points' …that is the scary part, where the phobia kicks in…looking down from there creates a weird feeling in my stomach, a huge vaccum…it’s a horrible feeling in the head is all I can say and the role it played was crucial... To a certain extend it drained out the passion in my life. It's not that fear is a terrible thing but somewhere it started controlling me on this bit !

Actually DOING IT
It all happened on the last day of a 2 days ‘Leadership Forum’ I attended. These Forums bring in quite a lot of excitement in our organizational set-up. To start with you have the opportunity of interacting various people spread over countries lots of knowledge sharing and of course you gather useful chips that immediately gets into head and you absorb it like a sponge and the rest of it of course to throw off the window as soon as you are out of the session. Well, there were great ones on a loved feeling "Success"..very interesting pieces actually, group discussions, presenting your ideas etc. During one of the exercises we were made to list down Fear Factors..well people had different fear factors, which prevented them from opening up ideas, coming out with out of the box thinking, being bold to express novel ideas, fear of being rubbished, fear of failing, fear of being judged and so on and so forth…and I listed mine too, honestly..

Any ways fear factors discussed…debates et al happened. In that group of all of 35 members, I was the only one with this typical fear factor…neways I thought it ended there..knowing little what was going to hit me later…

The end of our Leadership Forum was a mini ‘Rappling’ exercise with gears and professionals to set you up on that adventure and cheer you up, if you really required it. From the seventh floor of a building terrace walls to the first floor terrace. That was supposed to be a fun venture ending for two days of a knowledge sharing platform..Well, the thought of it gave me jitters and I anyways made a master plan to wriggle away… I sort of procrastinated on anything that I don’t want to do, I started off with this one too…. Now that the team members and the faculty knew a bit of each member in the team, they took it easy too, left me at it, I was all excited to see the other's doing it and typically screaming wooowwwww, cooool and this one really resembles Spiderman n all of that blah, laughing it out, while suppressing my own fear…Well, all good things don’t last forever, no? Only some do and this exuberant feeling of enjoying others at it didn’t last too!
Bottom line..none of my tricks seemed to click!

34th member of the team done with his adventure on rappling…the last one left HAS TO do it too…since there was a fear factor involved there was lot of sensitivity too…either it was holding on to it and living with a unreasonably sick feeling or conquering this one time and getting over it once and for all... Finally, I made up my mind. You can imagine the scene with people coaxing, convincing and cheering and the lump in my throat and my eyes almost heavy, butterflies nowhere around but rambling in my stomach…didn’t leave back an iota of strength and guts I possessively held...booted and got belted to strings…made up my mind actually (did that once more)…that moment helped me go one step beyond my fear factor…I looked down from there and I could only see colleagues who had encouraging looks down those 7 floors…the first move was to let go off that support of the terrace walls and hold on to the string and get my hands off the wall, I was so close that I didn’t want to look back now…it took me about 15 minutes to get over that meta-anxiety…that feeling of being scared…the conviction to embrace fear…deep breaths…keeping calm and a moment to cling on to the rope………….….….
I was there and I knew I was going to make it this time...

It took me 15 minutes to make up my mind after being belted and to take that first step but the rest of the drop was just pure exhilaration…

It just takes DOING IT...It was all in my mind….kissed that feeling Goodbye and chucked into the big sea
Treks, Mountain views & hot air balloon rides (always loved these adventures)…Here I come with the warmest bear hug:))




32 comments:

Dhanush said...

Oh God ! Cant imagine that. I too have the fear of heights. But I dont think I will do this any time. Great ya. Congrats

mathew said...

I can feel how happy you are..congrats!!:-D

I have exact same height fears like you..no issues in aircrafts or tall towers..but when it comes to open space I have my fears..

There is something which I did after mustering lot of courage, of doing a roller coaster ride...though i dont want to do it again!;-P

sandeep said...

congratulations! what came to my mind was my first bungee jumping experience. when i was asked to move to the edge, i refused and held on to the railing. finally, i did it only coz of two advices i've got before hand 1. the equipment may be trusted and 2. just do whatever the guy says ... dont think :)

hence ... i jumped and the rest was bliss! freefall is one of the best experiences!!!

btw ... ur bucket list tag (from devilz) is pending :) now that u conquered ur fear u shud make ur list too!

priya said...

Its good to come out of fear and feel fresh coz u breathe totally new.

Good for you..

Endevourme said...

wawww!!! thats real gud...u made it hehe

Jac said...

Bravo !
Sparking exhilaration !!

Very well done Seema !

rocksea said...

great attempt :)

i think somewhere down we all have little bit of fear for heights..

tulipspeaks said...

oo lala! i fear height too!! i dont think i have ur guts though.


ammu.

Shiekh of Controversy said...

One of my weirdest phobias is that a rusty shaving cream can will explode sending tiny metal shards all through me. As a result I only use the tiny travel ones so they don't have time to get rusty. I also have a fear that when I drive a nail into a wall I will hit an electrical wire. These are just the first ones that came to mind :)))

Acrophobia -- isn't that a little country near Romania? :)))

VvK said...

wow...nys...
so you finally did it???
pedikyande aavishyam undayirinilla, actually, since you are starpped on and all...
this is a regular event at my cllg fest...
but it's a 3 storied bldg so not much fun...7th floorinnu nalle view kittiyitundaavum, alle???

Nikhil Kuruvilla said...

So all tht sweat got you off it, adipoli. Just got back today. Think you shd do a post on the evening swirls on music, am cuting a cd and sending, enjoi. Kadhal roja mujhik sooper

Anonymous said...

Replying to comments is below your dignity or your arrogance? Oh you dnt reply to anonymous comments, is it?

Rejil Krishnan said...

Congrats!!! You have fettered A fear… :-) how many more to go?
I have none to jot when asked…but it comes at awkward times and in situations totally absurd…
A different read from the poet’s gamut… This post, though u claim is long, was a fast read… maybe coz the free fall was swift… :-)

Rejil Krishnan said...

kalipps comments abve mine..panga liya kya? :P

Surya said...

Gal, I must know how you added the song... awesome!

And hey, I tagged you :)

wrt heights, I only have a fear of falling. Did rappelling once, after subjecting my colleagues to 1.5 hrs of English, Malayalam and Hindi screaming and MBA level swearing :)

But I finally did it after being bribed by chocolates. And did it again :))

Planning a hot air balloon ride now :)

Chriz said...

man thatw as long.. u have patience.. and u made me sit and read the whole thing.. gud one..

Jyothsna said...

That's wonderful! I too have fear of heights, even small heights in open spaces!! But what you did needs a lot of courage!

Anonymous said...

Am tempted to let you know that Your absence is being felt. Is it some good news that you are coming back with? Break the silence soon.
A silent reader

humbl devil said...

she aint coming back it seems...
:D

humbl devil said...

btw, u've been tagged...

Anonymous said...

???? Unauthorised leave from bloggin is a punishable offence and where is your OUT OF BLOG msg and purpose of leave???? Share the news, if it is GOOD NEWS whose the lucky one, if that's the reason, very easy conclusion since you had started blogging so regularly!

IKWP said...

Hi! long time... how r u?
fear ... good that u overcame it... looking down the mountain trail is the best of the sights .... best of luck.

--xh-- said...

wow.. congratz on breaking that mental block... teh most difficlu part is teh first step...

i had an experience in teh same lines... if you are intrested, you can read it here - http://xhtheexperthand.blogspot.com/2008/04/break-that-block.html

maya said...

glad that u r still alive:-) way to go gal

Anonymous said...

Formil analoe sooper paatoke vechu, pakshe postaathe enna maam? You know hoo, sitemeter toks, only if you want to find out!

Jac said...

Need I remind you about updates ? Have some spark!!

Anonymous said...

Ahaaaaa ithaara ithreku ishtam pakarnathu???so what sparked it,Jac parayanapole, share the sparkling spark, whatzee cooking up? Kandupidicholam:P

meetu said...

i felt the same while doing river rafting at rishikesh ....i can relate to this dear.

tulipspeaks said...

gal whr r u?

ammu.

birdy said...

Interesting blog, but needs regular updates.

Anonymous said...

Hey eyalu engotado poyathu? oru anakavum elelo
pinne oru cheriya samshyam ella nu ella, is a congratulatory message in order?
God Bless

vinay said...

remember me? nice to be back to the world of blogging and now trying to get in touch with old friends :)